


I never existed

by Halevetica



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Cheating, Emotionally Stunted Derek, M/M, Not on Derek, Not really though, Orphaned Derek Hale, Sterek Week, Sterek Week 2019, Sterek endgame, Sterek lyrics 5, but with Derek, inspired by the song 'I never existed' by chase Atlantic, mentions of Theo Raeken, slightly nsfw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-26
Updated: 2019-10-26
Packaged: 2021-01-04 02:07:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21189785
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Halevetica/pseuds/Halevetica
Summary: Stiles and Derek have a very specific relationship and while Stiles wants more, Derek doesn't.For Sterek week prompt Lyrics and quotes. Inspired by the song 'I never existed' by Chase Atlantic.





	1. Part 1

Stiles rolled out of Derek's bed, grabbing his underwear and pants in a hurry.

"I'll see you later?" Stiles asked, trying to keep the hopefulness out of his tone.

"Sure," Derek nodded, his eyes on a book in his lap.

"It's Theo and I's anniversary soon," Stiles said, pulling on his shirt.

Derek didn't respond.

"I'm thinking of breaking up with him," Stiles eyed Derek for any reaction. A hopeful glint in his eyes or a curve of his lips into a smile. But he didn't get either of those.

Derek remained emotionless as he spoke. "Not on my account I hope."

Stiles' tongue flicked across his lower lip before his teeth sunk into it. His eyes dropping in embarrassment.

"We've talked about this, Stiles," Derek huffed, his eyes still trained on his book.

"No, you talked, I listened," Stiles objected, his tone sharper than he intended.

"I know you always say you'd give him away for me, But I've never been the one for commitment. I'm gonna leave you either way if you stay with me. So go home, and tell him I never existed," Derek finally met Stiles' eyes. He hated seeing them sad, but he couldn't give Stiles what he wanted.

"But he-"Stiles started but Derek cut in.

"I don't wanna hear it if it isn't involved with me, cause your relationship is none of my business."

Stiles took in a deep breath before huffing it out, "If you don't have any kind of feelings for me then why am I here?" he'd been dying to ask that question since the second time they met up.

Derek rose his brows at Stiles, "For the sex."

Stiles bit down on his bottom lip again. It hurt to hear Derek talk like that. Yeah, the sex was great, but Stiles loved Derek. Had for a while. It took a couple drinks to get the guy talking but when he did, he was sweet and less guarded, and Stiles fell for him. But sober Derek was gruff, and distant and rejected Stiles over and over and yet he kept coming back. Just like with Theo. No matter how much they fought and how shitty Theo treated him, he kept going back. Why couldn't he find someone who wanted him no matter what?

Derek watched at Stiles walked out of his loft without another word. He wondered if that was the end of him and Stiles. A twisting in his stomach reminded him that it was a good thing if so. Getting attached was never part of the plan and yet here he was, dying to rush after Stiles and tell him to leave Theo, to never go back. To stay with him instead. However, bitter experience kept him in bed. Half of him hoping to never see Stiles again, the other half already missing his touch.

Stiles fought the tears in his eyes as he climbed into his jeep. What had just been a drunken one night stand to get over Theo after their first break up, had turned into a regular meeting. After the first night, Stiles had craved more of what Derek made him feel; alive and wanted. When Derek had made it clear that nothing else would ever develop, Stiles told himself it was for the best and when Theo came crawling back, begging for Stiles to give him another chance, he did. But he couldn't ever get Derek out of his head. It had taken a week for Stiles and Theo to start fighting again, and in a fit of rage, Stiles called Derek.

Derek didn't care that Stiles was still technically with Theo. He was willing to keep the secret if Stiles was, and it had been surprisingly easy for Stiles. So easy he'd been doing it for close to six months. Any time Stiles and Theo fought, Stiles would find himself seeking out Derek.

When Stiles started to hint at something more between him and Derek though, Derek got more distant. He reminded Stiles that it was strictly physical between them and it never failed to hurt, but Stiles had promised himself that he'd leave one or both of them before Theo and his one-year anniversary. He'd hoped that with the news that Stiles was leaving Theo, Derek would accept him with open arms. But Derek made it very clear that he was not an option for Stiles.

"I'm gonna leave you either way if you stay with me."

Derek's words replayed in Stiles' head, causing the tears to slip down his face. What was it about him that made him unlovable? Theo didn't love him; he wouldn't treat Stiles the way he did otherwise. Derek didn't love him. Lydia hadn't loved him. Malia hadn't loved him. He just wanted to know why.

-

Three weeks. It had been three weeks since Stiles had walked out of Derek's apartment. Derek had expected to see him again, had hoped for it even. He reminded himself that it was for the best. Getting attached was what got him hurt in the past. Stiles was no different than Nick, or Andrew, or Braiden, or Jennifer or... He couldn't even think the last name. The one who truly hurt him. Took advantage of him in the worst way. Made him the truly jaded person he was.

Derek tossed back another shot, his eyes scanning for a potential one night stand to get his mind off Stiles. Erica, his best friend, had drug him out after hiding in his loft, in hopes of Stiles coming back.

A melodic laugh, caught his attention, making his heart leap in his chest.

"Stiles, don't look now, but there's a really hot guy at your nine o' clock eyeing you hard," Allison whispered loudly in Stiles' ear.

Stiles had broken up with Theo and cut Derek from his life. He was trying to concentrate more on himself and his friends. He was currently out celebrating Allison's birthday. It was the first time he'd been out in weeks.

Stiles swiveled his head to see who Allison could be talking about. His stomach churned and his heart flipped at the sight.

Allison frowned, noticing the way Stiles' face paled. "What's wrong?"

"I need some air," Stiles said, sliding from his chair then. He beelined for the exit, he couldn't do this. He couldn't break down now. He ignored the concerned calls of Allison, Scott and Isaac.

A gust of cool evening air washed over him as he stepped outside. He gripped at the wall to steady himself. He never imagined seeing Derek would elicit such a strong reaction. Of course, he'd not imagined seeing Derek after only a short period of time. Theo had been easier to get over despite the fact that Theo called him constantly, begging for one last chance. The lack of Derek's calls hurt Stiles more than the tears in Theo's eyes ever could.

"Stiles."

The familiar voice saying his name, made him stiffen. There's was no inflection. No hint as to what Derek was thinking or feeling.

Stiles decided to take a page from Derek's playbook and remain silent.

"It's been a while," Derek continued.

Stiles closed his eyes. He could practically feel Derek's hands running down his back. Feel the scratch of his beard on his neck.

"I didn't see Theo in there," Derek tried again, his voice slightly softer.

That caused something to snap in Stiles. He whirled around; his hands clenched in fists. "I thought I wasn't supposed to talk about him. Isn't my relationship none of your business?"

Derek's jaw clenched and Stiles saw the walls going up, but he couldn't give in to Derek again. He would never get over him otherwise.

"I just assumed you'd have come back after you left him," Derek's tone was sharp and his shoulders tense. He shouldn't have come after Stiles. This had been a mistake.

"You said you were gonna leave me either way, so why bother?" Stiles snapped. He'd never been so snappy with Derek. It felt good and wrong at the same time.

Derek dropped his head slightly. "You knew where I stood going into this."

Stiles felt tears prick behind his eyes. "And I thought I could handle that. I was wrong."

Derek's eyes met Stiles' again, his expression softer now and apologetic.

"So why are you out here? Why come talk to me?" Stiles snapped. He couldn't handle this. Seeing Derek; it hurt.

Derek opened his mouth to respond but realized he didn't have a reason. Or he did and he just wasn't man enough to admit it to himself much less Stiles. His mouth closed and he dropped his head once again.

"Right," Stiles nodded. Derek had hoped to sleep with him again. That was all Stiles was good for.

He stepped past Derek, to leave. He'd apologize to Allison later.

"Stiles, wait," Derek grabbed Stiles' arm pulling him back.

Stiles found himself chest to chest with Derek, their breaths tangling with how close they were.

Derek dove in then, pressing his lips to Stiles' in a hungry kiss.

Unable to help himself, Stiles melted into the familiar taste of Derek despite his brain screaming at him to stop. Their lips and tongue's slotting together effortlessly like they'd done this hundreds of times. They had. This made Stiles pull back finally, breaking the kiss abruptly.

Stiles turned to leave, but Derek's hand was still around his arm.

"Where are you going?" Derek had hoped for one more night. That's all he needed. Just to wean himself off.

"To pretend you never existed," Stiles sneered, before jerking out of Derek's grasp.

Derek's jaw clenched. Clearly those words had hurt Stiles. He regretted saying them now. He could go after him, but once again bitter experience kept him planted as Stiles climbed into his jeep and drove off.


	2. Part 2

A low moan in Derek's ear, that closely resembled his name, made him bite down on the neck his face was buried into. A pleasured hiss told him it was enjoyable. His hands slid down the body hovering over him, his fingers digging into soft flesh as they went.

"Derek," Stiles whimpered, lifting himself off Derek's lap slightly before pressing back down slowly, dragging an agreeable sound from the other man's throat.

The pressure building in Derek's abdomen had him gripping harder at the man on his lap.

"Shit," Derek bolted up, his breaths heavy and his eyes struggling to adjust to the dim lighting.

Another dream. Derek dropped his head. He felt the wetness in the sheets. That was the second time this week and this was the third week of this.

Derek threw the covers back, glaring at his clock on the side table before padding off to the bathroom. It wasn't even seven a.m. Guess he was up for the day. He always had a hard time falling asleep after a dream like that.

It had felt so real, even after all this time. He'd memorized the way Stiles had felt and sounded so well he sometimes forgot that they were just dreams.

Derek stepped into the shower, letting the hot water wash away the disappointment from his body. He only wished it could wash away the disappointment inside too.

"He's not worth it, Derek," he told himself. He often found talking about it out loud to himself helped. "He wouldn't be good for you."

Only part of him believed that. Another part said that he was the one not good for Stiles. But then there was the tiniest sliver that said that maybe they were exactly what the other needed. He shoved that part down deep, pretending it didn't exist. It was easier not to think of it.

-

Stiles plopped down on the couch, grabbing the remote off the table on his way. He'd spent all day at work and then spent the evening having dinner with his dad. To say he was worn out was an understatement.

The station was understaffed as of late, so he had an extra work load and he just wanted to rest. So when someone knocked on his door, he couldn't help but let out a small groan. It was almost ten o'clock at night, who could possibly be at his door at this hour?

He didn't even bother putting on a shirt as he traipsed over to the door and swung it open.

His breath hitched.

"Stiles," Derek breathed out almost in relief. He hadn't expected Stiles to answer.

Stiles remained frozen in the doorway.

Derek's eyes raked over Stiles. He had always found Stiles incredibly attractive and right now in nothing but a pair of sweatpants, Derek was reminded of his attraction.

"What are you doing here?" Stiles demanded, finding his voice finally. He felt nervous under Derek's gaze. He was suddenly very aware of how naked he was.

"I...miss you," Derek admitted quietly.

Stiles rolled his eyes, anger washing over him.

"Not like that," Derek added hurriedly. "I mean, not only like that."

This caused Stiles to frown.

"I miss talking to you. I miss your smile. I miss hearing about work. I miss listening to you complain about Scott. I miss spending time with you," Derek found himself admitting things he never imagined saying out loud.

Stiles' frown deepened. "How drunk are you?"

"What? Not at all," Derek shook his head. Sure, he'd had a drink before coming over, but it was just to give him the courage to say these things. He was far from drunk though.

"You miss me?" Stiles asked skeptically.

Derek nodded, swallowing hard. He was regretting this already. Damn Erica and Boyd for convincing him.

"You're sure you don't just miss the sex?" Stiles crossed his arms.

"Well of course I miss the sex, the sex was...beyond great, but I hated when you left. I hated watching you go back to Theo over and over again. I hated waiting for your call all the time," Derek took a half step forward as if asking Stiles' permission to touch him.

Stiles took a step back forcing Derek to refrain from reaching out.

"Why?"

"Because I...I want to be with you," Derek's throat felt tight as he spoke. The words felt foreign in his mouth.

"You don't do commitment, remember?" Stiles sneered. "So how do you expect me to believe you don't just want me for the sex?"

Derek dropped his head, his previous words had clearly left a bad taste in Stiles' mouth. Not that he could blame him. "I'm sorry I pushed you away. I was, still am, afraid of the way I feel about you. Getting attached was never part of the plan. Strictly physical, that's all it was supposed to be. But you let me be vulnerable. You let me be myself with you and you wanted me despite it. You were willing to give up Theo for me."

Stiles noticed the way Derek's shoulders were hunched in shame and how his eyes reflected the worry he felt. He was expecting Stiles' rejection.

"What happened to you that made you this way? Who hurt you so bad that you can't even admit how you feel for someone?" Stiles needed Derek to be honest with him, to know that he was genuine.

"Everyone," Derek's eyes dropped.

"My dad ran out on my mom and I when I was young. My mom died before my twelfth birthday. I was tossed around from foster family to foster family. My first boyfriend cheated on me. My second boyfriend used me to get to one of my foster siblings at the time. My first girlfriend rejected me when she found out I was into guys as well. My second girlfriend cheated on me. And my last girlfriend..."Derek trailed off.

"What?" Stiles took a step forward, urging Derek to continue.

"She took advantage of me in a way no one should ever be taken advantage of. I told her I loved her, and she used it against me and then mocked me for it."

Stiles saw the hurt in Derek's eyes now, the trauma from his past visible in his posture.

"I'm so sorry," Stiles took another step forward.

"I didn't want to hurt you, and I know that I did. I was honest up front about how I viewed our relationship. I thought you understood. I didn't mean to hurt you."

"I did understand, but I just wanted you to want me the way I wanted you. And I don't mean physically."

Derek dropped his head, "I do."

Stiles stepped forward once more, reaching a hand out to lift Derek's chin. "Do you trust me?"

Derek only nodded.

"Then tell me. Tell me how you feel about me."

Derek swallowed, his throat closing at the thought.

"I can't..."Derek turned his head away from Stiles. His chest constricting at the mere idea of those words.

"Would it help if I told you how I feel about you?" Stiles didn't want to pressure Derek into saying something he wasn't ready for, but he needed to know this wasn't a trick. A ploy to get Stiles into bed again.

Derek snapped his head up to look at Stiles, disbelief and hope dancing in his sage green eyes. "But you left. I thought you hated me."

"I left because I didn't want to get hurt anymore. I left because I was sure you only wanted me for the sex. I left because I love you."

Derek's heart flipped at the words he'd wanted to hear all his life. He hadn't heard those words since his mother died. Not even as a lie. His foster families never told him that. None of his past relationships had told him that.

Derek stepped towards Stiles, reaching a hand out to cup the side of his face. "Say it again."

"I love you."

Derek's heart was pounding heavily in his chest. He leaned forward, his forehead resting on Stiles'. He closed his eyes. "Again."

"I love you, Derek." Stiles obliged. He would tell Derek that as many times as he wanted to hear it. He could see how much it meant to him.

Derek dipped in, his lips catching Stiles' in a gentle kiss.

Stiles' hands pulled Derek in closer, by the lapels of his jacket, deepening the kiss. The familiar taste of Derek made Stiles' stomach flip. He'd missed Derek. The past few months had been hard for him. He'd stared at Derek's number on many a lonely night, convincing himself it was a bad idea.

When Derek finally broke the kiss, their breathes tangled between them in heavy pants, Derek whispered, "I love you too."


End file.
